This year for Christmas, my dear friends, I require but one thing. No, I do not require money of any kind for things like coffee beverages and food. Nor do I require really awesome yarn, so that I might knit and crochet items of justice and truth. I do not require gift certificates from fine shopping places such as Barnes and Noble or CD Warehouse, or even Whataburger, that I might procure the occasional burger before school commences. Dear comrades, I do not require endless piles of zines, or a Kinko's gift certificate to create my own. I require not cds containting songs such as one "Hey Ya" or by another Steve Burns. Nay, I do not even require DVDs that follow the adventures of a certain "Buffy" and her "Scooby Gang", or even "Angel" and his "helping of the helpless".
No, all I require from you, my dear friends, this season of love and giving of oneself for the good of others, is a SHINY NEW CAR THAT WILL NOT BREAK DOWN IN THE POURING RAIN TWO MINUTES FROM HOME SO THAT I HAVE TO LEAVE IT FULL OF MY STUFF ON THE SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY AND FULL OF FEAR THAT IT WILL BE TOWED BEFORE I HAVE THE TIME TO GET IT.
That is all.
P.S: In the event that you can not afford a shiny new car, I will accept any of the other listed gift options.
P.P.S: A woman named "Tanya" has sent me e-mail with this subject: "Re: bruce cerise goliath"