Your Face (kandigurl) wrote,
Your Face

Excessive Feelings of Failure

Basically everyone who reads this is probably gone from LJ by this point, so maybe this will fall on about two or three pairs of eyes, which is really all I want. Because lord knows I can't just babble in a depressive fit to myself, no, someone needs to BEHOLD my misery or it doesn't count, THANKS FOR THAT BRAIN. AND THE INTERNET I GUESS.

So anyway. I've been feeling really useless and pitiful recently, but especially so right this very second. All of my anxieties are pouring into me at once.

You see, we are shitty tenants. I'm not even sure if that's the right place to start.

I'm 99% sure I have undiagnosed ADD and I could probably really benefit from medication. I've been struggling with finding a doctor and setting up a session to get diagnosed for a few reasons: #1 - I don't know how much everything will cost, #2 - I don't know how to ensure I'm seeing the right doctor, #3 - There's always a chance I'll get there and the doctor will say, you don't have ADD, you're just a lazy loser with no motivation and a sad excuse for a human being. OR, you have some other unforseen mental issue that is much more difficult to understand and deal with and you're just screwed forever.

Too many unknowns and the thing just doesn't happen, so this just isn't happening. And people will say oh, it's so easy, you should just do it and get it overwith, it won't be as bad as you think, AND THEY'RE RIGHT but my brain is ultimately the one that needs to tell the rest of my body to do these things and right now it's just frozen in fear.

Anyway the shitty tenants thing.

Every time I live in a place I destroy it due to lack of maintenance. It's a combination of lack of know-how and lack of desire to do the things, exacerbated by a work avoidant brain.

My wife isn't very good at home maintenance either.

So we moved into this house three years ago. We live in someone's backyard and they are our landlords. And I knew, I KNEW at the time that we would fail to keep up the yard, probably screw up the house in some way, and generally make them regret their decision to choose us to live in their space.

Cut to today, when I'm sitting at home trying to relax on my day off and work up the energy to leave the house to do the things I desperately need to do today, no more putting it off; get an oil change and go to the laundromat (because there is no washing machine in this house).

And I guess our landlord chose today to send people over to do the yard. He didn't tell us and frankly I don't really think he needed to since we aren't holding up our end of the "maintain the yard" clause in our lease. Certainly I'd much rather he send lawn people over without warning rather than kick us out.

But now I'm terrified to go outside to run my errands. Going outside would mean confronting the fact that I'm a massive failure at life and being an adult. So instead I'm hunched inside, in the dark, with my door lock, pretending not to be home despite the fact that my car is obviously in the driveway, still needing an oil change.

My body is coursing with nerves, and my brain is telling me over and over again that I don't deserve to live in a place with privacy because I can't keep it up. And I can't have my own space until I can afford to hire people to do these things for me because I sure as shit can't do them myself. And I don't have enough ambition to go for a job that pays more, and even though I like the job I have now and I'm good at it, I don't deserve to have my YouTube channel succeed to earn some extra money because I'm not a good role model as a human being and people shouldn't look at the videos I create and view me as anything more than a useless piece of shit who can't get her life together.

Which is why I'm struggling to work on my video. I don't deserve to have a frivolous vanity hobby like YouTube. I'm failing my landlord, I'm failing my friend because I haven't gotten our podcast out on time this week, so I shouldn't do anything I want to do even though my brain desperately wants a break. Punish yourself today, that's what you deserve.

So that's where I'm at. How are you doing?

I'm not going to edit this because I don't really want to read it back over.
Tags: #1, #2, #3
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