Your Face (kandigurl) wrote,
Your Face


I am excited to hang out with humans tomorrow at a place other than my own home.

I spent way too much money today, but a lot of it was because Myschievia tickets were available, and then Green asked me to contribute to the car insurance which is totally fine, so there's $80 right there...but then I also had my little sister over to help me make hoops and I paid her a bit for her time, as well as buying her a few little things while we were out at the store, and also, we needed trash bags and cat food and my mouse stopped working so I bought batteries and also food.

And I picked up three more rolls of bubble wrap, unknowingly doing so at the same time Green was picking up two more as a kind gesture since I said last night that I needed some, and then asked me to pay him back for it, which is fine, it comes out of a separate budget than my profit, but that's a little bit overbudget now and might be in the red for a while. (It will get back to black soon enough, but I do feel a little bit of stress knowing JUST HOW MUCH I spent out of my "profit" AND my "shipping" budget today.)

Still feeling kind of spacey. Feeling like I'm not sure if I'm losing weight for the right reasons...right now I'm doing it to win money, and I WANT to lose weight, I'm just trying to get clear on WHY I want to lose weight and if the way I'm doing it is sustainable and if I'll ever really be happy if I'm not able to eat bags of chips (not that I was that happy when I was, in fact, I was disappointed in myself for not being able to control my chip eating). I think there's something else niggling at my happiness that I haven't found the source of yet. My lack of car? A general lack of motivation? Not being close enough to my best friends to drop everything and go see them, and even then, not having the car to do so if I wanted to?

IDK. Probably I just need to chill out and stop worrying. I haven't gone on a vacation at all this year (other than Flipside, but that was kind of a stressful vacation since I wasn't looking forward to it and I had some really crap moments during it, and I was still checking my Etsy shop every day).

I'm trying to do the stuff that makes you feel good...eating healthy, exercising (which makes me feel good for about an hour after I'm done, and then it makes me feel sleepy), thinking about things I'm grateful for, but bleh, bleh days keep happening. I suppose it's part of the human condition.

I know that right now, despite the fact that A LOT OF THINGS ARE GOING RIGHT IN MY LIFE (which I have capslocked because I recognize that and am not bitching, really, as much as musing), there's nothing I'm really excited about, not in the same way I was excited about hooping. And now hooping is how I'm making my living, but I don't know if I'll ever feel the same way as I did in the beginning, or if there's a way to grow into it, or I don't know.

I'm sure I'll figure it out, though. Life feels like it's on an upswing, I've lost 15 pounds and can tell the difference just when walking around, I am making enough money that even though I spent so much today, I know I'll still be fine, but I think I'm worried that I'll never feel as good as I did when I was really in the flow with my hooping and convinced that the universe would hand me everything on a silver platter just because I asked. (Manifesting! Law of Attraction! Whoo!) It's not that I don't think positively anymore, it's just that I know it's not so much that the universe is listening, it's more that the way you pattern your thoughts informs the lens through which you view the world, and right now my lens is inexplicably cloudy. Not totally dark, not at all, I can see through the clouds and recognize the sun is out there and shining brightly, but it's like there's a haze I need to get through first.

Maybe my problem is thinking there's something I need to fix, and not just accepting life as it is. Mreh?

ETA: Hahahaha, oh synchronicity, I make this post and then someone in a Facebook thread I'm in mentions how they just read The Secret. :P

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