I'd spent all day at work weighing the pros and cons of the decision I faced. It should not be this big a deal, I knew that. Most people don't struggle with this decision, they embrace it, they get excited, they start planning right away. Leave it to me, Ms. Tornado Brain, to have a panicked shit-fit over it.
So now I sat in the parking lot of the corner Walgreen's, phone in hand, night taking over the sky with each passing minute.
Up to now, I hadn't discussed it with anyone, save for one other person. But he was biased, as it had been his idea in the first place. I needed an outside opinion from someone I trusted.
I dialed my mom's number.
Okay, I didn't actually dial it, we have cell phones for christ's sake. I looked up her number in my contacts list and hit "Call". But the other way sounded more dramatic.
"Chew?" She answered (my childhood nickname that never went away).
"Hi, Mama," I choked out.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." I paused. "Well, not really. I want to ask you about something."
I took a deep breath. "What do you think of Green?"
"I like him. He's a good dude."
"I mean, what do you think of him...as someone I might marry?"
She laughed. "I thought you weren't going to get married."
It had practically been my mantra for the past five years. I'm never getting married! Marriage is for suckers! What's the point? It's just a piece of paper that binds your relationship to the government! Who needs marriage? I'm never tying myself down like that!
"Yeah, I didn't think I was either, that's why I'm freaking out a little."
"A little" was an understatement. I'd spent the past week going back and forth between keeping myself together, and lying on the floor soaking the carpet with crazy tears.
"Well, I like him. He seems nice," she said.
"Yeah, he is nice."
"And Reagan likes him."
"He likes Reagan, too." My voice broke.
"Are you crying?"
I sucked in a breath and tried to get my shit together, but failed. "Yeah."
Nothing was wrong, everything was right, and that's what I couldn't handle.
"He really likes Reagan, Mom. Do you realize that none of my other boyfriends have ever actually liked her? They thought she was weird, tolerated her autism, but Green is the first person who has ever seen her as a human being."
"He took her and her little friends to that Anime convention."
"I know," I sobbed. "I know. It's one of the reasons I'm actually thinking of marrying him."
We sat silently for a while.
"And he really likes you, too," I said. I didn't have to tell my mom that I'd dated a lot of guys who didn't care for her.
"Well, I like him too. He's cute."
"It really matters to me what you think of him, Mom," I said.
"To marry him? Why?"
"Because I don't want to marry someone who doesn't love you like I do."
She laughs. "Well, Chew, it's up to you. What does Green think?"
"It was his idea. But we've only been together for eight months. Drew and I were together for six years and it fell apart. Green doesn't know what's coming."
"Yeah, but he's not Drew. You guys could make it."
"I know. He keeps telling me that. He says that there's no way to know what will happen in the future, but that doesn't mean we should base our decisions now off of something we can't know."
"Yeah, he's right," she said. "And what do you think?"
I sighed. "I think...I think he's the one, Mama. I've thought so since our first date. I know that's crazy. I know, logically, that is completely crazy, that you can't really know someone until you've been with them a long time. But we work so well together. He feels like the one."
"Then get married."
I nod and take a deep breath. "Okay. Thank you, Mama. I love you."
"I love you, too."
"I've got to get home, he'll be wondering where I am."
"You haven't been home yet?"
"No, I needed to calm down first."
"Okay. Well, let me know what happens."
We hung up. I drove the few blocks back home.
When I opened the door, he sat at his computer as usual, but he scooted his chair back, stood up, and greeted me with a hug and a kiss.
"Okay," I said. "You can propose to me if you want."