Your Face (kandigurl) wrote,
Your Face

My Thoughts about My Thoughts

Sometimes I worry that my opinions about things aren't entirely my own. I have the tendency to get caught up in the opinions of the people I'm talking to and agree with, or at least strongly consider, what they are saying. Sometimes I will be right there with someone, nodding and agreeing, thoroughly believing I agree, and then I get home to some silence and suddenly I can see a million other points of view, and I'm not entirely sure which one is mine.

I wonder if my desire to understand every possible point of view is a hindrance to having a solid view of my own. I see an issue, I see people getting stupendously passionate over it, and I immediately think, what is the other side to this? And then I consider it, maybe do a bit of research on a possible other side, and maybe I'll comment on the article/video/status update at hand and play a little devil's advocate for said other side. Sometimes even while knowing that I don't necessarily agree with it. I may not agree, but I at least want to understand and empathize so that I can figure out if what I feel is true stands up against their argument.

But this is all online, when I'm reading written words, when I have time to process, think, research, and even then, you'll be hard pressed to find an issue (aside from a small handful) that I have a Firm and Decided Opinion on. As a result, when I'm taken away from that time to think, research, process -- when I'm launched headfirst into a conversation with someone, and my thoughts need to come quickly, I often falter.

There are only two issues I can think of that I would do well discussing in person, and those are that every person on this planet has the right to marriage, and that "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" was the best show ever to air on television. Other than that, opinions get in the way. Feelings get in the way. You throw something at me that I've never considered, or lack sufficient knowledge to argue, and suddenly I have no idea what to say next. My people pleasing kicks in. With no time to consider my feelings on what is true and what is not (or, in the case of no definite truth, what I feel is most applicable to me and my life), I err on the side of not making you mad. I nod, I agree, or at least try to find common ground where I can agree and end the conversation so that we're not debating something I have no footing with.

The problem comes in when the argument requires a decision. Or when my thoughts in that moment result in some form of action that may have been different if we'd both had more time to process. And even then, I can't help wondering how much of any decision I make is fully mine.

I think that may be why I like to keep ideas or projects secret as long as I possibly can. If it's only in my head, I know it's mine. It's sometimes tough to deal with the aftermath of decisions made on the high of someone else's opinion.

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