Yes, I know all about her crush. It's...I mean, it is what it is. I know about it, but there's nothing I can do about it, you know? It's flattering, but I'm just not into her that way.
Okay, so put yourself in my shoes. Imagine you're just you, doing your thing, minding your own business, and there's this chick who you kinda know but don't really know, and she never says much to you, but she's always looking at you...in the halls, at lunch, in class. She even knows where you hide out to take your smoke breaks, and you'll notice her walking past. She always looks away right before you can catch her eye, but you know why she's there.
And of course, by "you", I mean "me".
I honestly think the crush might be my fault, kinda.
You see, we dated once when we were nine.
And okay, I use the word "dated" in the loosest possible sense. I mean, we were nine, for fuck's sake. When I was a kid, I didn't really know what dating entailed. None of us did. Kids in class would "go out" with each other, but I mean, no one really went anywhere, and as far as going out is concerned, I guess you could count recess, because we sure as shit didn't hang out at Denny's after school or anything (except maybe for birthday parties and crap like that).
Being cool meant having a girlfriend. So I made sure I had one at all times. I kinda made my way around the class, I think I "went out" with most of the girls that year at one point or another.
Gwen and I "dated" over the course of one day, when our class went on a field trip to the state fair.
My faux-lationship with Carrie Mack had just ended, and I wasn't sure what to do next. I hadn't gone out with Jessie yet, or Monica, or Lace, so I had a few options. (I know it sounds sick, but this is seriously how my stupid nine-year-old brain worked. I'm not really a player or anything these days, but I sure got playground tail back then.)
Mrs. Eisner assigned Gwen as my buddy for the day. You remember that from elementary school? The teacher would partner everyone up to make sure no one got lost or whatever? Well, I got Gwen. So we sat together on the bus, and we had to stay together as we wandered around the fairgrounds. I remember she had her hair in these cute bows and I thought to myself, I haven't dated Gwen yet, maybe she should be my next girlfriend.
We'd each gotten a handful of tickets to spend at the beginning of the day. Gwen and I spent most of our tickets on those shoddy fair rides. You know, the ones that could break at any minute? The sort of thing that, as a rational human being, you approach with some sense of caution. But that's not the sort of thing you think about as a kid.
Anyway, one of these death traps spun us around in sharp, violent bursts. There wasn't a seat belt or a good lap bar or anything, either, so we both slid around, slamming into the sides of the half-circle seat, and each other. I took the opportunity to put my arm around her, to keep her from sliding. She giggled and looked at me. I kissed her on the cheek.
We left the ride holding hands. We spent the rest of the day in mutual agreement that we were now boyfriend and girlfriend, until I made the mistake of giving Lace some of my leftover tickets so she could get a cotton candy before we left, at which point, Gwen broke up with me.
That should have been that.
But somehow (and I swear, I have no idea how), that one incident developed into the insane stalker beast it is today.
The thing is, Gwen likes me, whatever. That's not a big deal. The shitty part is, now that I'm not nine, now that I have a handle on how the whole dating thing works, I can't be with the one girl I actually want. Why? Because as fate would have it, that girl I gave my extra tickets to is my stalker's best friend. And they have this Ladybro Code thing going on, where Lace won't date me on principle. Of course, she waited until after we'd already spent two hours making out to tell me this, but whatever. Women.
I do date chicks, though, it's not like I'm celibate or some shit. But you know how it is, wanting someone you can't have, especially if the reason you can't have them is stupid as fuck.
Anyway, the point is, Gwen doesn't bother me. She's harmless, I could really care less about her.
I just wish I'd kissed Lace on that death trap ride instead.
This is a work of fiction. It is connected to my other entries from earlier weeks, but is also meant to stand on its own.