Your Face (kandigurl) wrote,
Your Face

How I DEFEATED Cowboy's Stadium

This post was going to be about Fertility Awareness Methods, but now it is about the only thing in this world I truly hate: The football stadium in Arlington, Texas.

Hello! My name is Jessica and I live in Arlington, Texas. I have lived here for nine years. I have been known to go to Kinko's to make copies. I like Kinko's. Sure, they've changed over the years, especially since merging into FedEx Kinko's or whatever, but I still enjoy going there to make copies. It is calming.

Since the stadium opened three years ago, getting to the calming oasis of Kinko's has occasionally become the most stressful experience I've ever endured.

For reference, here is where Kinko's is in relation to the stadium:

You would think the two are far enough apart that traffic would not be an issue. You would be WOEFULLY INCORRECT.

The first time this ever caused me pain, I had a friend with me in the car. I was just trying to get to Kinko's, but the traffic from one of the first ever stadium games had things backed up. So I attempted to take a short cut, given that I LIVE in this city and theoretically I know some short cuts.

My short cut managed to take me in a huge fucking circle that went past the Stadium because whoever planned things out for the event decided that nobody could make any right turns. What should have been a ten minute run to Kinko's ended up taking over an hour, and I didn't even make it to Kinko's. By the end of it, I was so infuriated that I was flipping off traffic cops, yelling out my window at them, "I FUCKING LIVE IN THIS CITY AND I JUST WANT TO MAKE COPIES I DON'T EVEN WANT TO ATTEND YOUR STUPID EVENT I JUST WANT TO MAKE A RIGHT TURN AND I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW FUCK FOOTBALL FOREVER."

My poor friend felt nervous. I don't blame her.


Tonight, I attended a different friend's birthday party, and I wanted to go to Kinko's before I went home so I could make some copies of my FAM charts. (One thing I love about Kinko's is that it never closes.) I was headed down Randoll Mill, a route I've taken a million times, planning to take it to Collins, turn left, and take it to the road Kinko's is on. For the sake of clarity, here is how my route should have gone:

It was not meant to be. I guess something was either going on at the stadium, about to be going on at the stadium or had already gone on at the stadium, because traffic was STUPID.

The intersection of Randoll Mill and Collins, where I wanted to turn left, ended up not letting me turn left. It looked like this:

I could not turn left like I wanted to. I had to go straight.

Okay, I told myself, I'll play their stupid "go straight" game and make a U-turn as soon as I can.

This would have worked fine, were it not for two inconveniences:

1) I was not the only one trying to make a U-turn.

2) The lane we were attempting to turn into appeared to be a never ending stream of cars coming the opposite direction.

That's fine, I told myself. I'll just go to that traffic light down there, where surely there is a left turn arrow that I can wait for, and happily be on my way.

The traffic light existed. The left turn arrow did not. There were just green yield lights, and a huge line of cars attempting to break through the endless stream of cars pouring from the opposite direction.

I don't know what pushed me to bypass the traffic light. Pride, maybe. I should have known it could only get worse from here, but that undying bit of optimism I possess convinced me I could just keep driving straight until I broke through the haze of stupid and somehow managed to find a secret left turn that everybody else did not.

What actually happened was this: More traffic cones (hateful, vengeful traffic cones) forced us into one lane, which had come to a dead stop.

By now, my ire had begun to rise. I was fuming. I turned to the stadium and flipped it off. It made me feel a little better, but did not move my car at all. Part of me hoped that if I condensed enough hatred into my middle finger, thrusting it at the stadium might cause the cursed place to burst into flames. Such a blissful sight would make it worth not getting to Kinko's to make my copies.

Here's the thing about traffic. I'm usually okay with it. I understand that it happens, that it's just a part of life, and sometimes you have to get stuck in it.

I do not have these same rational thoughts when I'm stuck in stadium traffic. When I'm stuck in stadium traffic, all I can think about is how there is NO REASON I should be sitting in this mess when ALL I WANT TO DO IS MAKE COPIES and I NEVER attend events at the stupid place, in fact, I SPECIFICALLY LEFT THE COMFORT OF MY LIVING ROOM AND INTERNET TO GO TO THE POLLS AND VOTE AGAINST THE STUPID THING. If you know me, you know politics don't mean much to me. Maybe they should, but that is a topic for another post. My desire to not have a giant fucking spaceship of a building placed in the middle of an area it has NO BUSINESS BEING and doesn't make ANY SENSE LOGISTICALLY was worth me getting off my ass and digging out my voter's registration card.

What this boils down to is, I was going to make my left turn, and the stadium could go fuck itself.

So I pulled through the traffic cones, past the other people waiting in line, thinking I'd slip into the parking lot and pull back around. The parking lot, however, is secured by those up and down bars that don't let people in. There were barriers set up to prevent any further straight-going. The only option was to barrel head first into the oncoming traffic and hope I didn't get run over.

That's what I did.

It looked like this:

Cars were honking and my heart was pounding. In my fury, I could not care less that maybe other people had been waiting, probably a long time, to make the very left turn I thrust myself into against the traffic cones' will. It's not my fault they didn't follow their own paths of rage.

I felt a crazy adrenaline rush. I had DEFEATED THE STADIUM. I had THWARTED its plans to take me an hour out of the way of Kinko's! I was TRULY A WINNER TODAY.

Luckily no cops bore witness to this event. And hopefully none of them read my blog.


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