In other news, I have gone back to yoga for the billionth time ever, except that THIS TIME, I actually PAID MONEY for it, the whole amount of money required of normal people. But I went for the cheapest way to pay that money, which involves going to yoga every day for sixty days. The reason for this is because I've decided Once And For All that I am fucking DOING this teacher training and I can't do the teacher training if I'm not doing yoga and anyway you need to have been going for six months to even be allowed to take the training and it's in April and that's, oh hey, six months away, so NOW IS THE TIME and shit. And anyway, this time I'm also going more for the sake of just going to yoga and not for the myriad of other reasons I've gone in the past (to lose weight, mostly, but also one time I started going back because it would make it easier to give birth in the event of getting pregnant, because once, I wanted to have a baby. I don't anymore. The end?).
SO the thing is, I kind of want to write all my deep and insightful reflections every day, but I suspect that a) that might get preachy and b) that might get boring.
But the thing is, I've been doing this yoga off and on for nine or tenish years now? And I've known about the 60-day challenge and it's always been one of those things where I've been like, "Oh, I will do that ONE OF THESE DAYS." But I never actually did. Because, I think, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it. Bikram's all "IF YOU DO THIS YOGA FOR SIXTY DAYS IN A ROW YOU WILL BE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON YOU WON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE YOURSELF YOU MIGHT, IN FACT, COME OUT OF IT DRESSED AS A GIANT ELEPHANT AND NO ONE WILL KNOW WHO YOU ARE BECAUSE THEY CAN'T SEE YOU THROUGH YOUR HUGE ELEPHANT HEAD MASK."
Or something like that, that went a completely different place from where it started, sorry.
And I've always wondered what my elephant-mask person would be and look like and feel like and eat like and sneeze like and stuff like that. But I've never done it. My mom's done it, like, three times or something ridiculous, for pretty much the same reason I'm doing it now - it's the cheapest way to get yoga at our studio. But it also happens to be a GOOD IDEA.
And that is why I want to write all my deep and insightful reflections, because I am curious to look back at day one person and see what sort of progress I've made between that and day sixty person. But I also know that too much deep insight gets annoying.
So, um, I'm going to do it anyway.
Basically, here's where I am now - a giant, wibbly ball of fear. Fear of letting myself be worthy. This is something I've actually been thinking about a lot, especially with spinning and hooping. Like, I'm not allowed to be too good at it, or I'm not allowed to interact with these hoopers, or include myself in this conversation, or whatever whatever whatever. I realized immediately on my first day back that I've been doing this same thing with my yoga for YEARS. I have been doing this shit for YEARS UPON YEARS UPON YEARS, HUNDREDS OF HOURS of class time, and yet, I still find myself thinking in some postures, "Oh, I can't move on to this step of the posture because I'm still a beginner."
WHAT. WHAT IS THAT BULLSHIT, SELF. SERIOUSLY. I will also fall into these patterns of, "Oh, this is the part of the posture where I always fall out. I will fall out and then beat myself up for not trying harder at not falling out, but accept that it's just what always happens in the posture and not try to move past it or change my thinking about it."
So that first class back (which was three days ago, and today was, believe it or not, day three), I spent the whole class trying to recognize that fear and instead tell myself, "I am worthy of doing this posture to its full expression." I made myself kick out in Standing Head-to-Knee, something I've done maybe three times in an actual class the entire time I've been taking yoga because, I tell myself, I'm not advanced enough of a student to kick out. I'm still learning to lock my knee, to keep my balance the entire posture, whatever whatever whatever when the truth is, I've GOT that stuff down, but I let myself think that I don't. And I'm ALLOWED to just fucking TRY kicking my leg out. If it ruins my balance or my locked knee, so fucking what, I can go back to where I'm strong and start again.
I also have this TOTALLY INEXPLICABLE fear that the teacher is judging me the whole class and any time I let myself predictably fall out of a posture, or knowingly not push as much as I know I could, or sit out because I feel nauseous, they are thinking about what a weakling I am or how annoying I am and wishing I were anywhere else but fucking up their class. And man, what a stupid reason to block myself from trying.
So I was realizing all this stuff and totally choking on all this fear that I recognized but was having difficulty doing anything about, and there were many times during that class where I nearly broke down in a fit of pitiful and emotional tears.
But it set my intention for the rest of the sixty days. Every day, when I go into class, lay down my mat and towel and lay down to settle into the heat of the room and wait for class to begin, I set my intention: "I am worthy of performing these postures to their full expression." Because really, that's the root of a good deal of my issues. I don't do as well as I could do because I let myself believe I'm not allowed to, I'm not worthy to. I've changed some of that with hooping, and now it's time to do the same with yoga. It's kind of interesting to me how lessons I've learned through the hoop are now applying themselves to my yoga practice. Everything affects everything, I guess.
So anyway, those are my Deep and Insightful Yoga Reflections for Day One of my sixty-day challenge. I had more reflections yesterday and today, but I feel like my day one reflections were the most crucial to get written down. And also I can't remember what day two and three were right now, so I'll try again tomorrow and see what comes out. THAT IS ALL. HAVE A GREAT DAY.
Also, I just spent way too much time reading the back posts on Hyperbole and a Half. I was literally crying with laughter and had to force myself to stop reading so I could post to LJ and go to bed.
My favorite of the ones I consumed tonight is this one about cake.