Today I am sick.
I am sick for no real reason that makes logical sense. I don't have a runny nose, sneezes or a cough. I do have a general achiness all over, slight headache, and a grumpy tummy. However, I feel like I know the exact reason why I'm sick.
I've fallen off the wagon recently. For a good while there, I had gotten my life moving in a direction I was quite pleased with. I wrote my "morning pages" every day. I kept track of what I ate and made an effort to eat healthily. I exercised regularly. I worked a little bit on my business every day. I was working on de-cluttering and straightening up my living space. I had made tons of tiny attitudinal shifts that drastically changed my life outlook.
I'm not sure when it all started to fall apart, but I'm off track in every single aspect I was doing well in. I've felt it for some time, I've felt "old Jess" sneaking stealthily back in the picture, tearing down my new and happy life little by little without me even noticing. Yesterday, someone who has recently become very dear to me outlined my situation with alarming accuracy, even pointing out some things I had never really realized or considered. My normal reaction when hearing things like this is to rail against it. But instead, I listened to it all, and let it settle in. I internalized it and mulled it over and realized that I have to get old Jess out, and get back on the track to becoming that newer, happier person. To let myself be okay with being that newer, happier person.
That's what this sickness is. It's my body and soul scraping out old Jess and vomiting her up. It's all the internalization of my issues and self-denial coming to a head and saying, "Fuck you. No more. You are better than this." I can feel it in every clench of my stomach, in every aching muscle.
And so I'm starting today, even though all I can really do is lie around in bed and feel miserable. I'm writing down everything I eat, even though it's mostly crap today. At least it's crap I have a record of, and can move forward from. I'm starting a brand new planner, so that there's no trace of yesterday on the books. I've got clean pages to start with. These are small things, but they will grow, and I will find the person I'm worthy of being again. Sometimes it takes a kick in the pants like this one to really get the ball rolling.