OKAY, OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS, YOU GUYS. HOODIE-SHAPED HOLE FILLED. I got a mysterious donation from a mysterious benefactor by the name of Ryan North, in the full amount required for purchasing said hoodie. I...am kind of about to explode right now. BUT I HAVE ORDERED HOODIE AND HOODIE WILL SOON BE WINGING ITS WAY TO MY HOUSE AND THEN I WILL OPEN IT AND PUT IT ON AND I WILL NEVER TAKE IT OFF AND PROBABLY IT WILL GET PRETTY STINKY BUT YOU KNOW, THAT'S HOW THESE THINGS GO.
Anyway, I promised stories for money, and while Mr. North requested no story, he is getting one anyway, as a way to say, "Thanks, man, I have no idea how one reacts in this situation!" He can read it should he happen to chance upon this journal again. Maybe I'll e-mail it to him. I don't know. WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?
BILL THE GOPHER
Once upon a time, in a land filled with trees and dirt, there lived a gopher. The gopher's name was Bill. Bill liked being a gopher well enough, he supposed. Every day he got up, skittered around his gopher hole, maybe he'd venture out, sniff at the air, flirt with the gopher ladies, and then turn in for the evening.
But there's only so long one can lead that sort of existence before wanting to go on an Adventure. You know what I mean. You're all enjoying your life, kicking back, watching re-runs and then WHAM, the desire to rescue a princess from the tallest tower surrounded entirely by a moat of boiling lava filled with soul-sucking dragons consumes your soul and will not let go.
Well, that's what happened to Bill. So Bill left his gopher hole, sniffed the air a little, and ventured out in the world, in search of Adventure. He didn't get very far before he fell into a deep, dark hole.
"Shoot," Bill said to himself. "This sucks a lot."
"I concur!" a new voice piped up.
Bill could not see the owner of the other voice, for it was far too dark in this hole.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I am Jodelphine, Mystic Rabbit and Psychic Healer."
Bill the gopher had done many things in his life so far, but none of these things included ever finding out what a "Psychic Healer" was.
"What is a 'Psychic Healer'?" he asked.
"Well, I don't know exactly. But I do know that I've been in this hole long enough to have concocted an entirely new identity for myself, and I couldn't even tell you who I used to be."
"Ah. So, are you saying that we're screwed, then?"
"Yes, correct! Lucky for me, I at least have someone to talk to, now. All of these skeletons of dead forest creatures were starting to get to me, make me go crazy, that sort of thing, you know?" Bill the gopher now felt a sour breath on his fur in addition to hearing a voice, and deduced that Jodelphine had moved much closer in proximity to him than before.
"So what do you do all day, in a hole like this?" Bill asked, desperate to keep spirits up.
"Oh, I plan. I plan many things, many devious things, destruction of enemies, overtaking countries, that sort of thing." Bill could feel Jodelphine's nose wiggling disturbingly near his face.
"D-do you ever do any of these things?"
"No. I'm stuck in a hole."
They sat awkwardly for a time, saying nothing, doing nothing. But as the hours passed, and Bill became fearful he would never see his precious gopher home again, and he wondered why, oh, why did he ever decide to go on an Adventure when he could be skittering around right now, he started to lose his mind a little.
In this mind losing, he found a true friend in Jodelphine, and they managed to make a nice home for themselves in the hole in the ground, and they survived by eating bugs that crawled into the hole via the dirt. Bill eventually changed his name to "Riverbottom Clankenface", and chose to live out his remaining days as a carpenter of the people, the kind that was really good at making fancy dressers.
Eventually, both Jodelphine and Riverbottom Clankenface died. It's inevitable, stuck as they were in a hole they could not climb out of. But their story lives on to this day, and shall never be forgotten, long as there are eyes to read it and ears to hear it. Do not let their deaths be in vain. Make sure you spread their story to all you know, warning against the perils of Adventuring.
And being a gopher.
Dudes that paid for a story: Your monies totally covered the shipping costs and you are awesome and will get your stories probably this weekend. :)