I think a lot in the car. Tonight I brought along my Bif Naked cd, and I was jamming to it, stamping my feet and all. It's really one of the best cds I own. I love every song on it. I also love every other song by her that I've ever heard. I've decided it would be the best thing ever to be in a Bif Naked cover band, and just be on stage in a dark club somewhere, with a band in the background, and a few people milling and a few people listening and just singing my heart out, because her music is so freaking powerful. I really really long to write stuff like that someday. Or today. I don't know.
I don't understand why it's so hard for me to write a good song. I have about two songs that I've written, out of about seventy, that I think are really good. Some are so-so, the rest suck. It doesn't make any sense. It's like it's the only think I'm severly passionate about. I surround myself with music. I never feel happier than when I'm singing. Never. Ever at all, even when I'm with Drew. Drew makes me extremely happy, but singing to a really deep emotional and/or powerful, loud song makes me blissfully happy. The thing is, I can't sing forever, but I can be with Drew forever, so I can have my happiness with him to sustain me in between when I can't sing my heart out.
I still wish I could write a song that I really wanted to sing. I wish I were in a band that thought like me. Drew is in about five bands, or something like that, because his tastes are so broad, and he can do so many things that make him happy. But my problem is, the only thing that really makes me happy is singing. I can play instruments and read music, but they don't satisfy me. With singing, you personalize a song, claim it, make it yours, and force it to do what you want. And when you're singing, no one cares how you act because they understand that you're really into it. You can fling yourself around, and that just makes it better.
The other day, The Abba Movie was on, and this is very cool because I adore Abba, ever since third grade. And it was really awesome. I didn't even know there was an Abba movie until I saw it was on, and it was fun to watch because it showed them in concert. This was amazing. I know that I'll never, ever get to see them live, at least not the way they were when they were popular, because I wasn't alive then. This makes me very very sad. I get really emotional over music that I love a lot. My very favorite Abba song is Dancing Queen. Well, they played a concert sequence of them performing that song, and I cried. I cried because it was so beautiful, and I'd never get to see it in person, and I'm a big dork. All these feelings...I love music so much.
I think if I did anything else with my life I'd just be miserable. I'd be sitting there thinking about how amazing it would be to be singing for an audience. That's a big reason that I don't want to go to college, one that practically no one understands or agrees with. I feel like if I go to college, I'll have excuses for myself about why I can't do music. I'm doing it right now with high school. I can't do music because I have to get my goddamn grades up. But if I don't go, I have nothing else to do. If I don't suceed the way I want to in music, then I'm screwed. Therefore, I have no other alternative. And THAT'S what people don't understand. They say, "Well, the singing thing is nice, but it's not likely to work. If you don't go to college, you'll never make anything of yourself." And they don't realize what they're doing is feeding my brain's ego, saying, "Yeah, DON'T go. If you DON'T go, you HAVE to do music. You'll have to, to stay alive." I can't really put it into words. But if I go to college, I'll have an excuse to screw my life over. Settling for anything less than singing is screwing my life over for me. The thought hurts.
I had something else to say, but it slipped my mind. It was something deep and thoughtful. Pretend it's here.