BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT I CAME HERE TO TALK ABOUT TODAY.
The theme for 2007, at least the last few months, for me anyway, has been "Self Pity". Fuck that noise! I'm done with being self-piteous, at least in public, and I sure as hell hope the word "piteous" means what I hope it means and not something else weird and inappropriate.
1. evoking or deserving pity; pathetic: piteous cries for help.
In 2008, I plan to do much the same shit I did in 2007, only with an apartment this time! I bought a zillion new calendars yesterday to celebrate the fact that it is not, in fact, 2007 anymore. I'd like to crack down hard on my list, maybe actually accomplish some of that shit. THAT WOULD BE NEAT.
Oh, recalling 2007, let's see: I'm kind of giving it a bad rap. It wasn't all bad, in fact, parts of it were pretty awesome, I'm sure. I'd go back through all of my entries and check, but I'm too lazy. This is a sub-par year in review. Either way, what actually happened was probably a lot less interesting than what COULD have happened, so I'm going to make shit up:
2007: THE YEAR THAT KICKED ASS
JANUARY: Saved the world from invading aliens with my sweet negotiating skills and keen fashion sense.
FEBRUARY: Wrote, directed, produced and starred in a blockbuster film that has now been lost to the sands of time due to the damn media.
MARCH: Cured cancer, AIDS, and malaria. And baked pie with the president.
APRIL: Successfully introduced a special breed of Australian mountain goat that is capable of singing opera.
MAY: Celebrated my natal day in a fashion Hugh Hefner would have envied.
JULY: Created a new planet.
AUGUST: Went to various world leaders and showed them the error of their war-like ways by playing them lots of Simon and Garfunkel, especially "Me and Julio Down by the School Yard", effectively bringing about world peace. Was accosted by lots of beauty pageant contestants who now have to think of something new to dream about.
SEPTEMBER: Threw bricks and rotten eggs at tiny children who had the gall to return to school and fuck up the roads with their stupid "School Zones" (This is the month I'm least proud of).
OCTOBER: Got my ass handed to me by the leader of Saskatchewan who informed me that "Me and Julio Down by the School Yard" was actually part of Paul Simon's solo career and not Simon and Garfunkel, therefore ending world peace and making beauty pageant contestants happy again.
NOVEMBER: Ate a shitload of turkey.
DECEMBER: Wowed crowds nation-wide with my traveling troupe of Australian mountain goats performing Handel's "The Messiah".
And that's about it in a nutshell! Here's hoping '08 is even better, but really, who could top all that?
*It's okay, there's bras in my car, I just feel like since I just got here, it would be bad to get right up and go back to my car to finish getting dressed. There are Unwritten Rules of Conduct and stuff for working, and making sure you spend at least ten minutes or so at your desk before getting back up to do something inane is one of them.