If you don't want to read it, skip it, but I'm posting it here because these are some final thoughts and after this I'll quit harping on it. Promise.
So, the bottom line is: I hate feeling like a horrible person. If I know someone's out there thinking ill thoughts of me, I wrack my brain trying to figure out how to convince them otherwise, prove I don't suck. I spend so much time working at it that I've got a sizable chunk of people fooled, even myself, into believing that I'm a good person.
But then something happens that makes me think, "Oh, wait, maybe you're not such a good person. Maybe, at your core, at your deepest level, you're a vindictive, horrible person who's just really, really good at covering it up." Maybe so. Suddenly, all the people I've got fooled into liking me are trying to tell me it's not true, and it means less, because I don't believe it.
It hurts, it hurts like hell.
But at the end of the day, I have to believe them. I have to let myself believe I am a good person, I have to let those people convince me I am, because if I don't, I'll just let those demons eat away at me. I could waste away trying to figure out how to solve every problem, make every person love me, but you can't make everyone happy. And everybody is a human being. At their very core, all humans are looking out for themselves, no matter how much they convince everyone otherwise. Sometimes, looking out for oneself is also in the best interest of others.
Sometimes it isn't.
And that's okay. I have to let go of the times when it isn't. I have to keep moving forward and not dwell on it, and continue to fool everyone. Continue to fool myself. Because otherwise, I'll go crazy worrying about it.
Here's to me! I'm a pretty awesome person sometimes!
Still no test results. "Call back tomorrow." Agonizing.