Your Face (kandigurl) wrote,
Your Face

My junk body


So, I went back to yoga, yesterday for the first time in...oh...two years? Three years? I can't even remember. I've done a few sessions at home here and there, but I haven't been able to go to a full, heated STUDIO for quite some time.

That was quite possibly the most horrible class I've ever had, except for the one where I felt so sick that I had to lie down for the entire standing series. At least this class, I managed to remain sitting, although I had to give in and lean over a couple of times. They tell you not to do that, I can't remember why, but I think it has more to do with the discipline aspect and not giving in to your body, but controlling it and all that, which I really try to work on because I know I have a bad habit of giving up.

I did my best to do at least one set of everything, but the whole standing series I felt dizzy whenever I stood up, and then I started feeling sick to my stomach. I was pretty okay during the floor series, except for camel...I did the full posture for all of two seconds before saying, "Okay, never mind," and going back to sitting and waiting.

The whole thing was a huge wake-up call, in many ways. For the past five years, I've been wishing and wishing that I could go to therapy, counseling or something like that, to help me sort my brain out. It dawned on me yesterday that yoga, this thing I've been doing off and on with varying levels of dedication for about six years now, IS my therapy. Yesterday my yoga told me, loud and clear, "Yes, honey, you are in bad shape. Physically, obviously, but also emotionally." It's weird how it worked. But standing in that sweltering room, filled wall to wall with other people working on their own issues, it was as if every problem was compressing into one ball in front of my face. The only thing I need to do now is figure out how to fix them.

How horrible the class was showed me that I need to stop letting myself go diet-wise. The food I'm putting into my body (or not putting into my body) is really having an effect. Also, the desk jobs I've held down the past two years are taking their own toll. When I had my last yoga break, I was still working at Subway, I was on my feet for at least five hours a day. That first class back hadn't been so bad. This one said, "My god, when was the last time you did a backbend? Your poor shoulders, I don't think they've ever been so stooped before, etc."

But apart from the whole physical aspect, there was also the issue of looking in the mirror. I've been looking at myself in mirrors every day, and recently, I've been happy with what I've seen in them. But yesterday, I wasn't. I looked in that full-length, full-honest mirror in the yoga room and saw that I wasn't as happy with myself as I was letting myself believe. I've looked in that mirror before and seen a beautiful, proud woman, but yesterday I saw a scared, uncomfortable child. I found myself looking at the instructor a lot, something I rarely do, even when I'm least happy with what I see in the mirror.

The conclusion I came to is that once a week will not be enough for me to go to yoga. The problem I need to solve now is how to get there as much as I need. Damn you, money, you and your necessity!

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