Sad? Yes. I have grand visions for this cover, but I will never be able to achieve them on my own, so I NEED YOUR HELP. I know it looks like a jumbled scramble of stick figures and stuff, but that's because it IS a jumbled scramble of stick figures and stuff. I want it to look like one of those grand covers, where everyone in the book is on the cover at once doing their thang, if you will.
However, I'd also like it to look cartoony, because these books? Are not serious at all. So the people and llamas don't have to be drawn with intricate detail. I'd like them to look like they've got personality (because believe me, each of these characters have a very distinct personality), but also adorably cartoonish. That would be amazing.
Basically, anyone who wants to take a stab at this? Feel free. The requirements from Lulu as far as what format it needs to be in are written on the bottom of the picture, and here are some templates for making sure they are the proper amount of pixels and all that good stuff, as required by Lulu. Be sure to use the "Pocket Sized" template. You can also scroll through that FAQ to see what else Lulu suggests for covers.
And, if you haven't BOTHERED TO READ THE BOOK, you bastards, here's some descriptions of what the characters are like:
Joey Spicklespackle: The hero of the book. He might have brown hair, I don't know, I kind of see him that way. Having brown hair, that is. He fancies himself a sane individual, but he's really not. He likes to name things, EVERYTHING HE OWNS, pretty much, and he's generally adorable. He gets excited easily about things that aren't exciting to other people.
Sarah "Goatsie" Pumpernickel Flankenburg: Goatsie is Joey's girlfriend. She is just flat out insane. She DOES have brown hair, I'm pretty sure I mention that in the books. She likes to wear her hair in weird, haphazard hairdos. She also dresses that way; haphazardly, that is. She is addicted to snorting Pixie Stix, it's a "thing" with her, that's why she's holding them in the picture. She also, like Joey, gets excited about things, which causes her to gnaw on whatever's in the vicinity. In this instance, it's her own arm. She also enjoys burning things down.
Sam Michael Beauregard Drizt: Drizt is Joey's best friend who ends up stealing Goatsie away from him, despite hating her with a firey passion. Drizt's joy in life is writing poetry, which is usually unspeakably bad. I have no idea what color his hair is, go where your fancy takes you.
Morose Mountain (the omlette Joey is holding): Morose Mountain is Joey's adopted brother, and yes, he is an omelette. Joey made him in his sadness of Goatsie leaving him for Drizt (who is apparently better in bed), and once he was complete, realized they shared a deep, brotherly bond. He asked his mother to legally adopt the omelette, and she agreed.
Bethany Xavier Belamy: Joey's car. I'm pretty sure I described her in the book as a "saucy little four door sedan". I picture her as blue. Joey loves her dearly, he's probably been driving her for quite a while. She is very patient with Joey's random whims. I imagine her, if she were human, to be the type of friend who agrees with whatever you say, even if it's complete crap, and encourages you with a polite pat on the back. Then turns the other way and snickers to herself.
Billy Joe Bob Smith Lee: The local policeman. He's quite familiar with Joey, Goatsie and Drizt because of Goatsie's pyromania. To me, Billy Joe Bob Smith Lee is a friendly, bumbling sort of fellow who really, really wants to do his job right but can't get past how nice these kids are, so he lets Goatsie go time after time after time.
The Grand Pubah Llama Leader of the Northwestern Hemisphere: Exactly what he sounds like. The llama that I actually bothered to draw and label. He is a very important llama, head of the Super Secret Llama Coalition. Very down to business, but a nice guy. I picture him wearing a cape of some kind.
Samantha Elbe Markovian Lizard the Great Witch of Some Small Town North of Albuquerque: The one on the picture labeled "witch". If there's one thing to be said about Samantha Elbe Markovian Lizard the Great Witch of Some Small Town North of Albuquerque, it's that she's hot. She's also blonde. She's also evil. I drew her dressed as a witch, but I don't think she really dresses like that. If you can think of some way to make it obvious that she's a witch (blatant "magic" coming out of her hands or something?) without dressing her that way? It would be awesome.
Spazzers: Samantha Elbe Markovian Lizard the Great Witch of Some Small Town North of Albuquerque's key keeper. Also a cat. Spazzers is a girl. She's an unfriendly, do what the hell she wants kind of cat. In my head she's adorable, if it wasn't for the look of "touch me and die" that is constantly plastered to her face.
Shrivelled Raisin: Samantha Elbe Markovian Lizard the Great Witch of Some Small Town North of Albuquerque's mother. I think I ended up giving her a real name in the third book, but I'll be damned if I can remember it right now. Basically, if you took a raisin and stretched it out into human size and added arms and legs, that's what this woman looks like. Old and wrinkly. She's really a nice lady, but she took over her daughter's castle for a thousand year vacation with her boyfriend, Melvin Bowtrinky.
Melvin Bowtrinky: Labelled "boyfriend" in the picture, he is, as stated before, the shrivelled raisin's boyfriend. He's just along for the ride. He also writes books. Apparently he's a good lover, too. I don't see him as old, and I'm not really sure what it is he sees in the shrivelled raisin, but he loves her, and that's all that matters.
Mom & Dad: Joey's parents, Melissa and Don. They are the type of people that would raise someone like Joey. They're sweet, but kind of loopy, and they like to drink food coloring. They also live in the...
One Room Shack: Built by Joey's father, the one room shack is where Joey's parents live. It is located on top of a really big and scary mountain, and is pretty much the only thing up there. It's falling apart, but that's not the point. It's home.
The Castle: Belonging to Samantha Elbe Markovian Lizard the Great Witch of Some Small Town North of Albuquerque, or at least until it was comendeered by her mother and Melvin Bowtrinky. It's big and awesome, pretty much your classic castle, with lots of turrets, a drawbridge, and a moat. The moat is very important.
Bowling Alley: Your average, every day bowling alley, not very special save for one thing: It's on fire. That's because Goatsie set it on fire. She's like that.
Many Llamas: A vast herd of llamas, starting out clear in front but dissolving into a mass of llama colored fur thanks to perspective. These are the llamas of the Super Secret Llama Coalition. Some of them are wearing colored robes, some of them are running around naked. They're awesome, that much is certain.
Winding Roads: There are two roads on the huge mountain, one that leads directly to Joey's parents' house, and one that doesn't.
Mountain: Really big and scary. That's about it.
If you decide to be awesome and create a cover for me, e-mail it to me at email@example.com. I'll choose the one I like best, and if I like more than one cover, I may very well use more than one cover, because I am a sucker for marketing schemes like that. We'll see!!!