September 9th, 2014

Tree Dreaming

LJ Idol - Week 20 - "Shibusa"

My whole life is water.

It is everywhere, on every side of me, filling me up. Sometimes I wonder if I am made of water, because I can breathe it in and not die.

You might think I get lonely here in my world of water. But I am not lonely at all. I spend my time in admiration of my surroundings. There are walls surrounding me, walls that must also be made of water, and yet they are strong, defined. Wooden, lined in gold, immoveable, and still, I can walk right through them.

And these walls house beauty I can't even begin to describe. This place is decorated to the nines, splendor dripping from every corner. All resting gently in the delicious glimmer of water.

Father says it is all for me, in celebration of my birthday. It's funny, father isn't here, and yet he's always here. I feel him all around me, in every stick of furniture, every wall of my personal mansion. But his presence lies most strongly in my Treasure, the delicate pink and white diamonds dripping from strands of gold. In the center, a heart. His heart. When I am near it, he speaks to me.

"Everyone will be here soon, sweet girl," he whispers. "You should ready yourself."

And so I do. I brush and brush my hair, I make sure my gown is perfect in the mirror, I peek out the door to see if anyone has arrived yet.

But this time before, this space, it is for me. This room, and this Treasure, it is for me.

And so I admire, and in my admiration, I forget that I am waiting. I've got nothing I need to wait for, really. Everything I could possibly want is right here.

So naturally, you can imagine my surprise when the guests came.

At first, I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. I may have heard some noises, but there are noises all around me, delicate, whispering noises.

Then I saw a light. Bright and overwhelming, it hurt my eyes. I held up a hand, but the light shone right through in ripples, as water refracts.

Once the light faded, I could make out a creature. I could not tell if this creature was human or not, but it certainly didn't seem prepared for a party. It looked like a human blended with a fish, but with a large, bulbous head, and strange cylindrical protrusions erupting from its back.

I stared, curious. This creature was not beautiful, like the rest of my world. It didn't seem to care at all about my party. It swam right past me, not noticing me. I held out a hand to stop it, and it felt disgustingly solid. More solid than anything I knew. As I made contact with it, an uncomfortable sensation welled within me.

Then the creature was in my room. The discomfort grew inside as I watched it approach my Treasure. I could hear my father's voice, normally so calm and reassuring, now anxious and fearful; "Elise? Elise, take my hand! Take my hand! Kick your feet, can you kick your feet?"

The creature was touching my Treasure now. My father's voice rang in my head, shouting confusing words, "Elise! Oh god, please! Everett, can you move that board? Can you get it off of her? Keep breathing, Elise! Kick your feet! Swim to me, please!"

My head erupted with feelings I couldn't place. This was no guest to my party. This was an invader. My heart cracked, and I heard words spilling from my mouth, angry and bitter: "What do you think you're doing?"

** ** **


I couldn't tell you how long it has been since the creatures arrived. Or how, exactly, they left. But in the end, I kept my Treasure. It sits with me, gentle and serene, glistening in the waveless water.

My father whispers to me. "Happy birthday, sweet girl. Everyone will be here soon."

And now I know that I can keep this time mine. The guests never have to arrive. I can live my life in peace and beauty.

"You should ready yourself," he says.

I am ready, father.



This week's entry was an intersection with missbinary. Check out her side of the story here!
Tree Dreaming

Frlkjslfkdjf

I feel like I largely post to LJ when I'm feeling not tops? I think I only have myself to blame, today...I had a Starbucks pumpkin cheesecake muffin today after weeks of low-sugar, gluten free eating, and so the poop feeling is to be expected. I already pooped it out, but I still feel like poop.

POOP, POOP, POOP.

Having one of those days where I don't want to do anything at all. Honestly, it's felt like that all week...it's not a good way to feel when you work for yourself and essentially have to self-motivate yourself or screw over the business you've been building the past few years. Misty didn't come in on Monday again. She was throwing up, so again, I don't blame her and can't ask her to come in if she's sick. But I was going to have her put a bunch of bare hoops together for me, as that's become my least favorite part of the process (and also the easiest to have other people do). So since she couldn't come in, I sort of deflated at all the work I had to do and...just...didn't do it. I finally got them all put together, but it's taken well over 24 hours of resistance.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never be genuinely excited about anything ever again, but I also know that's just how I feel right now at this moment, having a brain full of sugar-laden fog and no motivation to work, and a house I've failed at keeping clean, and and and and and.

I will say to myself, "Self, if you ate perfectly all the time and kept your house nice and organized, that would eliminate at least half of these self-defeatist thoughts because both your mind and environment would be clean." And then I say to myself, "Self, that's awesome, but do I really have to do these things EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE??? Is it possible to be happy that way? WHERE'S THE BALANCE?? Can I retire and move to Amsterdam?" And then I say to myself, "Self, you'd be bored in Amsterdam, too."

And then I consider leaving everything behind and traveling the world and writing a book about the best mom & pop pizza shops and just eating pizza, chips, and ice cream all day, but doing so much walking that my activity levels keep me feeling motivated. Also, who isn't motivated by pizza.

Fuck, I want some pizza.

Anyway. I don't know what I'm doing or if it's worth it. IS THERE A WAY TO BE HAPPY THIS IS A POINTLESS QUESTION DON'T BOTHER TRYING TO ANSWER IT EVERYONE'S DEFINITION OF HAPPY IS DIFFERENT AND PROBABLY NO, HUMANS CAN'T JUST BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME AND ANYWAY UGH.

Facebook is overwhelming me. I don't want to write for Hooping.org. I wish my house were magically clean and that my car were working. I wish I had someone nearby who could go geocaching with me because that seems to be all I want to do right now. I wish money just fell out of the sky so I could stop making hoops for a while. I want to build my channel. I want to write some e-books for passive income but I'm afraid they won't sell, but I know that fear is stupid, they probably WON'T sell at first, but I won't know unless I make them. Bleh.

LET'S HAVE SOME GRATITUDE TO MAKE UP FOR THIS BLEAKNESS.

I have a glittery T-Rex on my desk and it's pretty sweet.

I have a functioning body that still manages to walk and talk despite my abuse to it.

I have this iPad which is basically like Penny's computer book from Inspector Gadget because holy crap we are living in the future.

I'm married to a beautiful woman who gets me and lets me be miserable if I'm miserable, and lets me be happy if I'm happy.

I can eat pizza if I really want to.

My cat is cuddled up next to some underwear right now, and that's pretty cute.

I can see and hear and smell and taste and feel.

The world is full of pretty cool things.