November 15th, 2010

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Okay so that's right, I was doing LJ again! Yes. It seems that despite my best efforts, most of my LJing time has been sucked into playing LJ Idol on my alternate account, chewbob. (Which by the way there is voting going on RIGHT NOW for week two and you don't have to play to vote, you don't even have to read anything, the polls are over here, I'm just saying.)

In other news, I have gone back to yoga for the billionth time ever, except that THIS TIME, I actually PAID MONEY for it, the whole amount of money required of normal people. But I went for the cheapest way to pay that money, which involves going to yoga every day for sixty days. The reason for this is because I've decided Once And For All that I am fucking DOING this teacher training and I can't do the teacher training if I'm not doing yoga and anyway you need to have been going for six months to even be allowed to take the training and it's in April and that's, oh hey, six months away, so NOW IS THE TIME and shit. And anyway, this time I'm also going more for the sake of just going to yoga and not for the myriad of other reasons I've gone in the past (to lose weight, mostly, but also one time I started going back because it would make it easier to give birth in the event of getting pregnant, because once, I wanted to have a baby. I don't anymore. The end?).

SO the thing is, I kind of want to write all my deep and insightful reflections every day, but I suspect that a) that might get preachy and b) that might get boring.

But the thing is, I've been doing this yoga off and on for nine or tenish years now? And I've known about the 60-day challenge and it's always been one of those things where I've been like, "Oh, I will do that ONE OF THESE DAYS." But I never actually did. Because, I think, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it. Bikram's all "IF YOU DO THIS YOGA FOR SIXTY DAYS IN A ROW YOU WILL BE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON YOU WON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE YOURSELF YOU MIGHT, IN FACT, COME OUT OF IT DRESSED AS A GIANT ELEPHANT AND NO ONE WILL KNOW WHO YOU ARE BECAUSE THEY CAN'T SEE YOU THROUGH YOUR HUGE ELEPHANT HEAD MASK."

Or something like that, that went a completely different place from where it started, sorry.

And I've always wondered what my elephant-mask person would be and look like and feel like and eat like and sneeze like and stuff like that. But I've never done it. My mom's done it, like, three times or something ridiculous, for pretty much the same reason I'm doing it now - it's the cheapest way to get yoga at our studio. But it also happens to be a GOOD IDEA.

And that is why I want to write all my deep and insightful reflections, because I am curious to look back at day one person and see what sort of progress I've made between that and day sixty person. But I also know that too much deep insight gets annoying.

So, um, I'm going to do it anyway.

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Also, I just spent way too much time reading the back posts on Hyperbole and a Half. I was literally crying with laughter and had to force myself to stop reading so I could post to LJ and go to bed.

My favorite of the ones I consumed tonight is this one about cake.
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Yoga Day Four Reflections - Why Not Today?

Today was the first day since I started going back that I woke up and had to battle myself out of bed despite my brain going, "Noooooo, I don't want to get up early and drive to Ft. Worth to stand in a hot room and suffer, I want to sleeeeeeeeeep." I managed to talk myself into it by reminding myself that the classes you least want to attend are the ones you need the most. And also I didn't have a choice, I paid for the challenge. I pulled myself out of bed after cycling through thirty minutes of snooze, drove to class, got there and figured today's class would probably suck because I felt so awful, but I'm trying to do the whole "every day is different so don't have expectations" thing. So I let myself feel crappy as long as I needed to feel crappy, and did my best to just listen to the dialogue and do as I was instructed.

Here's something I noticed I do a lot in class. I'll get into one of the postures I consider "hard", and I won't really push to improve it. I'll think, "Well, I don't feel very well today, or my focus just isn't really here today, or I'm not feeling very strong today, or my joints aren't really into it today, so I won't really push today, I'll work harder on improving this tomorrow." And I'll let you guess what happens tomorrow. The same thing.

So today in class, while I was bent over and grabbing my feet and staring down at the floor, I went into my normal pattern of, "Well, I just want to relax from the balancing postures, I'll touch my forehead to the floor one of these days, but today I think I'll just hang out." Then out of nowhere, something snapped and I said to myself (quite firmly), "What is wrong with today? Why not try to reach your forehead to the floor today? You may not get there, but at least you aren't just giving up. 'Someday' is vague and undefinable. Today is here, now, concrete, and can be worked at and improved upon. Shut up and DO IT."

So I did it. Well, I didn't touch my forehead to the floor, but I stopped making excuses for not trying to, and just pulled like you're supposed to and tried like you're supposed to. I mean, I paid money for this class, money I set aside for four weeks to be able to go back, money I pulled from the nooks and crannies of my budget, a dollar at a time, for the opportunity to stand in this hot room and try to touch my forehead to the floor. What sense did it make to pay that money, drive all the way over here, and then not push? None.

So there's my reflection for the day. Why not work on improvement today, instead of just magically expecting it to appear somewhere down the line? This is something that will likely take some effort to apply to the other aspects of my life, but at least I can work on it bit by bit in these classes.