Your Face (kandigurl) wrote,
Your Face

I am really, really ready to come home.

So we were supposed to come home last weekend, but we decided to stay an extra week to help out with my grandpa. He was doing okay. He was suffering from mild bouts of confusion, and having trouble standing up and walking around, but with our help he could get downstairs and eat with us. And he was aware of when he wasn't making any sense, and he'd apologize for it, and be the same old grandpa.

Well, yesterday things got really bad. He had to go to the hospital to get a cat scan, and he was really confused before they left. He kept saying that they needed to go to the airport because there was baggage there he needed to pick up. He didn't realize that he was at home. He was looking all over for his airplane ticket, and he was getting angry with us because we didn't want to go to the airport.

When they got back, he had a small fall, and then went sharply downhill. He didn't know who any of us were. He was hallucinating something, because he kept reaching for things that weren't there. He was leaning to one side and we couldn't straighten him out, and he kept talking nonsense. Finally, Diane called the paramedics to come get him and take him to the hospital.

That's where he is now. The cat scan didn't show anything, so they're going to give him an mri. They think he either has something called water on the brain, or he had several mini-strokes, or he has a brain tumor. They don't know for sure. We're not really sure what's going to happen if they can't figure out what the problem is.

Either way, I'm scared. I really don't know what's going to happen. I feel strange because I can see this man, and he's still my grandpa, but he's acting very strangely. I know in my head that he could be gone at any moment, but I can't make that connection in my heart. He's just always been there. It's always been really weird since grandma died. It's almost like time up here stopped when that happened, and I've been slowly adjusting to all the changes: Grandpa marrying Diane, Diane moving, Diane filling the role of grandmother to my little sister. Grandpa getting cancer, grandpa getting chemo, grandpa recovering. Him getting sick again. Reports of him going in and out of the hospital. I know it's all happened over the course of twelve years, but it feels like part of me still isn't used to Diane instead of my grandmother, much less the prospect of losing my grandpa too.

I also miss being away from Drew. I haven't really seen or talked to him for the past three weeks, and I miss him so much. There's just that part of me that isn't there when I'm away from him, especially for so long. I call him and I don't really know what to say, because all I really want is to have him hold me and let me feel that everything will be okay no matter what happens. You just can't do that over the phone.

The only thing I don't miss is working at Alamo Door. I think I'm going to tell James that we'll be home a day later than we actually will, so that I can spend a day decompressing from being up here, and just staying at home with Drew. That would be really nice.
Tags: drew, family, rambling, sad, vacation, work

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