ANNE'S VERY SPECIAL BIRTHDAY STORY!!!!
It was Anne's birthday,
and she decided to celebrate the day by tromping merrily through the woodlands!
Having never been to the woodlands, she decided to find out how to get there by calling information.
Information said, "Hello, how may we help you?"
Anne said, "I would like to go visit the woodlands, please."
Information said, "City and state please!"
Anne said, "It's my birthday!"
Information said, "I will connect you, at no additional charge, to the woodlands!"
Anne waited while the call was being transfered.
The phone said,
"Hello, this is Harry the Magical Redwood! Thank you for calling the woodlands! I am going to help you get to where you want to be, so please speak clearly! If you have a question about visiting hours, say "I love trees!" If you would like to hear about our exciting vacation packages, say "Don't punch the rabbits!" If you would like to access the information in your "I'm a fan of the woodlands" account, say "There's no place like the swamp!" Or, if you have another question, please state it now!"
There was a pause while Anne thought, and then she said, "I'd like to know how to get to the woodlands."
There was another pause, then Harry the Magical Redwood said, "I think you said, "Where is the nearest ice cream vendor?" Is this correct?"
Anne said, "No."
Harry the Magical Redwood said, "Would you like to be transfered to our customer service department?"
Anne said, "Yes."
Harry the Magical Redwood said, "I think you said, "I've never tried herbal tea, but it's been at the top of my list for years!" Is this correct?"
Anne gave up and hung up the phone, thinking perhaps the woodlands is not where she wanted to go for her birthday after all. So instead, she got into her car and decided that wherever she ended up when she ran out of gas is where she was meant to be!
After seven hours of driving, Amelia said, "Fuck you, Anne," and stopped moving.
Anne got out, excited, happily wearing her "I'm the birthday girl" pointy hat, and surveyed the area that fate had led her to on her natal day. It was a Wal*Mart!
Anne whooped for joy. Although she had been to about eight hundred Wal*Marts in her lifetime, she had never been to this one. For, glancing at the sign in the window, it turns out that THIS was the Wal*Mart at Hogsmeade!
This was a MAGICAL Wal*Mart!
Anne was so super excited. She kissed Amelia for leading her to such a place, and Amelia just groaned hungrily.
Anne ran inside to see what a magical Wal*Mart could possibly sell. She scampered to the entrance.
Magically, the doors slid open, WITHOUT EVEN BEING TOUCHED. This was simply too incredible.
An elderly wizard wearing a pointy hat similar to Anne's said, "Welcome to Wal*Mart."
Anne excitedly surveyed the aisles. She knew what she was looking for. She ran straight to the toy department.
She couldn't believe what she saw!
The ENTIRE SPIDERMAN AND FRIENDS LINE, including Doc Ock, Ice Man, and all the vehicles and playsets, on sale for THREE DOLLARS!!!!! It really was a magical Wal*Mart.
As she hauled her purchases to the checkout, she was again amazed by the magic when she only had to wait behind one other customer!
As the checkout witch rang up her purchases, giving Anne quizical looks, Anne picked up a nearby bag of candy.
Anne asked, "If I eat this, will my head explode?"
The cashier said, "No, but it will not melt in your hand, only your mouth."
Anne gasped. "AMAZING!! This place is simply too incredible."
The cashier said, "Well, it IS magical."
Anne loaded up Amelia and drove her home*.
When she got back, she noticed her phone had a message. She checked her voicemail.
Harry the Magical Redwood said, "We'd like to thank you for taking the time to call the woodlands. If you could please take the time to respond to our customer service survey-"
Anne hung up on him, yelling, "Fuck you, woodlands, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!"