What follows is a retardedly long e-mail that I wrote at the late night hours for my boyfriend who is in France. Don't worry, there's hardly any mush. This is merely to illustrate how long I really can ramble. Enjoy.
It is very late and no one is online. I have no one to talk to but I am not tired and so I can't go to bed!!!! It is around 12:30. I know that if you were here you'd inform me that I need to go to sleep. Because sleep is vital. Is that right? I am a genius. Did I spell it right? Did I? I have a dictionary right next to me and I could very well look it up but I am far to lazy. Guess what. I miss you horribly. You need to come home now. Now now now. Or not, see, because that didn't work. Guess what I did all day today? I crocheted. Yes. All day. AAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL day. Except for the hour I spent swimming. And short intervals in which I was chosen to show small girls Mr. Shoe. I don't think I've told you about Mr. Shoe. WE HAVE A NEW CAT! His name is Mr. Shoe. Stop looking at me like that. It's very rude to stare. It was my mom's idea. Really. Mostly. I threw in the shoe part. And the Mr. part. But she put them together!!! And besides, it's cute! Anne likes it. So there. Ha. I'll have to let you meet Mr. Shoe when you get home. Which best be soon. Yes. That's right. You can tell it's late, can't you? I can. Did you know that Annette Conlon from Eden Automatic is only 18???? YESTERDAY???? I had no clue. I thought she was 25 or something. I'm totally confused and befuddled by this information. It's making my head hurt and I don't believe it. That's right. I don't. Again with the looking. You need to come home. You do. I'm not lying. I'm assuming that you probably won't be reading this until you GET home, because it would seem that you don't have access to the internet...I'd like to think that if you did you would have e-mailed me by now, right???? Yes???? Maybe?? Gus has decided that it would be in my best interest to hold him on my lap while I type. How wrong he is. He's hurting my tummy. Sit down. Gus and Twinkie are extremely intrigued by Mr. Shoe. They sit outside his bathroom door and bat at him. My mom thinks that Mr. Shoe has the cutest face of all the cats that we own. I want another cat. Or two. I KNOW, I KNOW, THREE IS ENOUGH! (but I still want another one.) I crocheted all day. I told you that. I didn't tell you what I was making!!!! I'm making an afghan with angels on it! They're made with the stitches...the picture...with the stitches...I find this entirely too much fun. My mother thinks that I should go on David Letterman because I'm probably the only teen in America who crochets this much. She might be right, but I like to think she's not and that there are trillions out there like me. In America. Because the entire population of America crochets obsessively. Gus has taken a liking to my right arm as opposed to my lap. I very much wish he hadn't. Have you seen the Alien Ant Farm video for Smooth Criminal? You probably have and you've probably told me about it but I have probably forgotten. Or maybe you haven't. Wouldn't that be cool? If I saw a video by a band that you like more than me before you? Yeah, well, I think so. I'm sorry, but I couldn't take Gus on my right arm much longer. I have been listening to the AAF cd a lot and you are right, it is really really good. I still can't find my Linkin Park cd, about which I am very concerned. I've decided I really like Hooverphonic. They're pretty cool, what I have heard of them anyway, which is only three songs, but they're good songs. Chosen off what's left of Napster at random. I have no memory left hardly at all. This makes me angry. I really need some. I wish I had money to buy it with. I'm seriously lacking in the money department. My mom thinks that I should crochet lots of cute little dumb things and put dumb cute little tags on them and sell them at craft fairs. I think that's a good idea, if I ever actually finished anything I start. Seeing as how her very own Christmas present is sitting unfinished on our couch. I fully intend to finish it someday! You have no idea how long it takes to make something of that magnitude!! Each square takes 2 1/2 HOURS!!! THAT'S A LONG FREAKING TIME!!!!!! Do you know what drives me looney to no end? When people are placing lots of exclamation marks on something for effect and then they let up on the shift key a little too early and leave a 1 at the end. Like this: !!!!!!!1 It totally ruins the mood of emphaticness. It's a word if I say it is. I think they should stop it right now and take the two seconds to hit the backspace key, don't you? That's what I thought. I saw a Sponge Bob Square Pants t-shirt in suncoast and thought of you. I saw Buffy figurines and thought of me. Did you know that that Kirby game for Gameboy costs 30$??? That's a lot more money than I have. I pretty much can't afford anything over free. Anne bought me Fray tho, so that was nice of her. Fray is a comic written by Joss Whedon about a slayer from the future. If you don't know who Joss Whedon is by now, I'll have to string you by your toes and tickle you. Except I won't, because that is really mean even for me. Yes. It is. I wouldn't do that. I'd just tickle you until you got enraged (about two seconds) and held my arms so that I could not move at all. That usually is what happens anyway. Anne has eaten 50 Jack-in-the-Box tacos since summer began. Her goal is 200. That is a lot of tacos. My mother would never let me indulge in such a thing. It would be fun, tho. The last time we went to Ohio, I counted the McDonalds between Youngstown and Ft. Worth. I forget what the total was, but it was a hell of a lot. And I'm sure I missed some. I can't wait until our trip, the one in which you go along! That will be a LOT of fun. I can't wait for you to see my grampa's house. Could you do me a teeny tiny itsy-bitsy favor and at least PRETEND to be enthralled by it for just a little while? PLEEEEEESE? It would mean a lot to me, you have no idea. Even if you're just kidding, and it's blatant, and I can really tell. If you just say, "Yes, honey, it's a beatiful house" you will make me retardedly happy. I don't know why. It's just a nice thing to hear. See, just THINKING about you saying that is making me giddy...by the way, this isn't a colossaly obvious hint or anything. (hint hint.) Oh, and I promise to shut up as soon as you say it. After I show you the huge basement. Which I don't have because I don't have a basement and I love basements and they have a four room basement and can we have a basement? Yes. Ok. I'm good. For now. Yes. Breathe. Good. How long is this, anyway? Not that long. Really. Compared to other e-mails I've written in the past, this is fairly mild. I only write really long e-mails like this to people I miss horribly, by the way. Consider yourself lucky. Can you speak a lot of French yet? Did I tell you that Heather got me The Addams Family Values AUF DEUTSCH???? She did. While she was in Austria. How retardedly cool is that? So I bought her a devil band fan Barbie. It has a t-shirt and a sign and a hat and a backstage pass and bonus trading cards and cd. I thought it was the most ludicrous thing I had ever seen ever and thought of her immediately and figured since she bought me something cool (and my mom was there with a credit card) I'd get her something ludicrous. She got a new kitty too. It's named Spike, after the vampire on Buffy. As cool a name as that is, I think Mr. Shoe is better. It's creative and means nothing. Which is great to tell people who try to guess why his name is Mr. Shoe. They refuse to believe that it's only because we thought it would be hilarious to name our cat Mr. Shoe for no good reason. It's kind of like when Forrest Gump ran for three years and no one believed that he was just running because he felt like it. I'm sorry. You're right, no I'm not. Hey, I can have a conversation with you without you actually being here! Honestly, tho, it's a lot better when you ARE here. So there. I GOT MYSELF SOME OF YOUR YUMMY CHIPS. But I ate them already, so I still need you. Did I tell you Vanessa taught me how to make enchiladas? She did. They're really yummy, too. She's gonna teach me to cook more things. I think I'll more than likely stick to mac + cheese and frozen pizza, tho, because it doesn't take as long when you're really really hungry. So you can cook things and I'll lazily eat junk and get really fat. How does that sound? I don't like that idea. How about...you can cook and I'll lazily eat junk and miraculously NOT get really fat? That's better. I'll go with that one. Collin Main said you were stupid and I had to hit him. He said that your car pranks were dumb, but he said it in such a way that made me believe that he was really just making him self feel better for not doing it himself. But I hit him anyway. Because he's a nerd. Trent made us swim a lot of butterfly today. A 200. And then he made us tread water with our hands out of the water for about 5 minutes and all our hands were going numb. So he let us put them back in the water, and then we had to do 25 pullouts total and I can't do them AT ALL and so my arms hurt. Lauren is the only one who can do them really well. But I'm better than her at butterfly, so that's good. My mom is awake. It is 1:10 AM. I have insomnia. It's not good. I've gone to bed at 3 AM the past two nights. Have I told you that already? I'm too lazy to check. STOP...with the looking...and the...yeah...I know...bad Jess...shame...but I didn't wake up until 10 or so, so it's all good. I didn't even want to go to bed. But I figured that I had too or someone would have come down and made me. So I had to go to bed and then I spent another hour attempting to fall asleep. It would be so much easier if you were there. But you weren't, so it wasn't. It was HARD. And it's probably going to be hard again tonight, too. You'd think if it was 3 in the morning and, on top of that, my body was sore from an hour of intense physical activity, that I would fall right into a deep sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. YOU WOULD THINK THAT, WOULDN'T YOU???? You'd be wrong. Ghah. I wish I could. That would be nice. It would be nice if I didn't need to sleep at all, because then I wouldn't have to spend so much time trying to do so. It's annoying and it ticks me off in a big way. I'm not lying to you, it really does. My angel afghan is pretty big. I like it. I've got their bottoms and their legs and their waists done so far, and I'm about to start working on their arms. (they're sitting down.) How long is this NOW? It's pretty freaking long. Are you still reading this? I can't believe you are. I wouldn't be. Well, that's a lie. I would. I like reading long things. But I'm strange like that. Well, I think I may be out of rational thought. Much as I hate to do it, because I have no one else to talk to, I fear I may have to end this before it disolves into sheer nonsense. You may think that it already has, but it really hasn't. It's actually on the nonsense BRINK. And I know how you get when I go all wonky. So I'll spare you the nonsense. You're probably zonked out from the nonsense brink I've reached. Oh well, you'll live! See? You're alive! Anywho, yes, I'm going to end this! Soon, but first I have to tell you that I love you! A lot a lot and forever and ever and that is NOT a lie. I LOVE YOU!!! Ok, well, I really am ending this....................................n
That's it. I hope you liked it and aren't too scared. No, that's a lie. I hope you're terrified.