Your Face (kandigurl) wrote,
Your Face
kandigurl

Being Human

Today was delightful, best day I've had in a while, but now it's ending and I'm feeling stressed out. Stressed that I didn't do enough with a delightful-feeling day (even though all the things I did were exactly what I wanted to be doing). Stressed that I don't know the next time I'll get to have a day like this.

I think the point of vacations is to reinvigorate you to go back to work recharged, but I've never felt that way. To me, vacations always remind me how much I don't want to have a job or responsibilities, and just spend all my time relaxed and doing things I enjoy.

Obviously, that's unsustainable.

And the "real job" I have right now honestly isn't that bad. It's just somewhere I need to be at a specific time for a set number of hours, and those are hours I can't spend doing things I like. At least for the most part I get to spend them with people I enjoy, which helps a lot - great coworkers really amp the work experience.

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "passion". People seeking self-employment are often told to follow their passion.

I used to think my passions changed all the time, and I couldn't stick to anything, but after reading "Refuse to Choose" and learning I'm a scanner, I know that's not really true. My TRUE passion is something else. Something that connects all those things.

After dwelling on it the past couple of days, I think my true passion is learning how something works and getting really good at it. I REALLY, REALLY enjoy the process of diving into something, picking it apart, learning how to do it, and getting to the point where people who are also good at the thing are like, "Hey, you're really good at this thing. You could do GREAT THINGS with this thing."

It's a combination of all of that. The learning. The getting good. The praise. Man, I wish the praise weren't as huge a part of the thrill for me, but it is. I don't know if that makes me a bad person or just a person person, but there we are.

It happens with jobs, even though I am constantly trying to escape them. I usually love the first three months, or at least the experience of the first three months (if not so much the hours). I enjoy learning the ins and outs, proving I can do a good job, pushing my way to the head of the pack, getting the praise of my supervisors, being promoted or moved to a new position due to my skills...and once that happens, I start to get bored. I've done the fun part. The learn/improve/be praised part.

Then I want to find something new and do it all again.

I'm not entirely sure where the connective tissue is between the things I get obsessed with, though. You'd think, given that general process, I could pick up anything and enjoy the hell out of it. I probably could if I put in the effort. But sometimes I try to learn something and I don't feel enthused by it, so I drop it. And the more things start to look the same, the less interesting they are (IE: The concepts of tatting are not that different from crochet, so I'm less inclined to learn it).

I don't know if there's a good solution to this. I don't know if there's a way to turn a passion for getting just good enough at a thing to receive adulation into a sustainable career.

Right now, I sort of feel like I'm going through this process with building a business. I worry once I reach a point where I feel like I've done it, I've created a successful business, I'll get bored and not want to continue running said successful business.

Blergh. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, it's just something I've been mulling over and wanted to get out.

SO THERE IT IS.

I hope you all had lovely days as well! Hopefully ones that didn't end in an existential crisis.
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