Your Face (kandigurl) wrote,
Your Face
kandigurl

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I feel like I largely post to LJ when I'm feeling not tops? I think I only have myself to blame, today...I had a Starbucks pumpkin cheesecake muffin today after weeks of low-sugar, gluten free eating, and so the poop feeling is to be expected. I already pooped it out, but I still feel like poop.

POOP, POOP, POOP.

Having one of those days where I don't want to do anything at all. Honestly, it's felt like that all week...it's not a good way to feel when you work for yourself and essentially have to self-motivate yourself or screw over the business you've been building the past few years. Misty didn't come in on Monday again. She was throwing up, so again, I don't blame her and can't ask her to come in if she's sick. But I was going to have her put a bunch of bare hoops together for me, as that's become my least favorite part of the process (and also the easiest to have other people do). So since she couldn't come in, I sort of deflated at all the work I had to do and...just...didn't do it. I finally got them all put together, but it's taken well over 24 hours of resistance.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never be genuinely excited about anything ever again, but I also know that's just how I feel right now at this moment, having a brain full of sugar-laden fog and no motivation to work, and a house I've failed at keeping clean, and and and and and.

I will say to myself, "Self, if you ate perfectly all the time and kept your house nice and organized, that would eliminate at least half of these self-defeatist thoughts because both your mind and environment would be clean." And then I say to myself, "Self, that's awesome, but do I really have to do these things EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE??? Is it possible to be happy that way? WHERE'S THE BALANCE?? Can I retire and move to Amsterdam?" And then I say to myself, "Self, you'd be bored in Amsterdam, too."

And then I consider leaving everything behind and traveling the world and writing a book about the best mom & pop pizza shops and just eating pizza, chips, and ice cream all day, but doing so much walking that my activity levels keep me feeling motivated. Also, who isn't motivated by pizza.

Fuck, I want some pizza.

Anyway. I don't know what I'm doing or if it's worth it. IS THERE A WAY TO BE HAPPY THIS IS A POINTLESS QUESTION DON'T BOTHER TRYING TO ANSWER IT EVERYONE'S DEFINITION OF HAPPY IS DIFFERENT AND PROBABLY NO, HUMANS CAN'T JUST BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME AND ANYWAY UGH.

Facebook is overwhelming me. I don't want to write for Hooping.org. I wish my house were magically clean and that my car were working. I wish I had someone nearby who could go geocaching with me because that seems to be all I want to do right now. I wish money just fell out of the sky so I could stop making hoops for a while. I want to build my channel. I want to write some e-books for passive income but I'm afraid they won't sell, but I know that fear is stupid, they probably WON'T sell at first, but I won't know unless I make them. Bleh.

LET'S HAVE SOME GRATITUDE TO MAKE UP FOR THIS BLEAKNESS.

I have a glittery T-Rex on my desk and it's pretty sweet.

I have a functioning body that still manages to walk and talk despite my abuse to it.

I have this iPad which is basically like Penny's computer book from Inspector Gadget because holy crap we are living in the future.

I'm married to a beautiful woman who gets me and lets me be miserable if I'm miserable, and lets me be happy if I'm happy.

I can eat pizza if I really want to.

My cat is cuddled up next to some underwear right now, and that's pretty cute.

I can see and hear and smell and taste and feel.

The world is full of pretty cool things.
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