Your Face (kandigurl) wrote,
Your Face
kandigurl

Fat

I weighed myself today for the first time in a while. I've been avoiding it because I was worried that I'd finally crept up to 220. Sure enough, 221. I'm gaining weight despite running three times a week.

I'm not TERRIBLY surprised because I haven't done anything to change my diet, and I'm not necessarily running to lose weight, I'm running so my body can have a chance to move in between me sitting around on my butt.

I officially weigh more than I've ever weighed in my whole life. I would really like to lose weight again and be the same weight I was in this video:



I think I was around 155 in that video. That means I've got 66 pounds to lose.

In that video, I was also going to yoga every day. I really miss going to yoga every day and would like to do that again, but it requires me having a working car so that I can get myself there first thing in the morning (before I have a chance to talk myself out of it).

Watching that video reminds me how GOOD it felt to have less weight on me. While I'm embarrassed by my weight right now, how I look isn't as critical to me as how I feel. I feel like crap. I feel heavy, lazy, tired. I don't feel happy, not the same way I did at that time. I'm very glad I have that video, because it's a reminder of how it felt to be that weight: I felt comfortable in my body, I felt freedom of movement, I had good stamina and I was motivated to avoid unhealthy foods. (I was also, unfortunately, in a relationship with someone who ate unhealthy foods for every meal, and eating healthy became much more difficult, this video was also sort of the turning point of my downfall to where I am now.)

Anyway, I miss the more comfortable me and I would like to get back there. I know that I can, but I also know how long the road is, and how difficult the beginning is, and that makes it all the more overwhelming. But I will keep running, and work on movement bit by bit. I'll catch up with diet eventually. I just need a plan.
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